So here’s what’s happening, and why I’m so absent

[ravnostic]

I’m miserable lately; and I’ve missed a lot of contests, and just need to vent and I’m posting here. I don’t know why, here. But anyways…

Dad had knee replacement surgery in late December, and had blood in his urine for about a week after, which concerned his doctor. So they stuck a camera up his penis and found he had a couple types of cancer in there.

They scraped it out, sloshed around some chemo, and let him heal for a month, and were going to start tuberculosis therapy after another look-see (yeah, you read it right, ask U-Man; it’s real.)

When they prodded again, he had a couple more nodules. They scraped the walls again, sloshed around some chemo, and started the TB therapy. Six weeks later they took another look, and found more nodules (one type was the run-of-the mill cancer, the other seems resistant to chemo and TB and is the one coming back.)

They excised this again, and gave him the harder choices, one of which was to continue the TB therapy with extra doses of chemo, which he decided to go with, instead of removing his bladder, the other option.

Just had week one of this.

Between this ongoing, mind-numbing, and depressing event, and my God Damned farking compressed 12 hour all-night-long work schedule, I’m pretty depressed. I get less sleep than ever (and have the most lovely nightmares when I do), I can’t function properly, and the only thing I have going for me is my camera and lens–and I’m not doing so well with that lately, either (I feel, at least).

So that’s the state of Ravnostic. Sorry to interfere. Not looking for comments, just need to let it out somewhere.

//carry on.

[nobigdeal]

Sorry to hear about your dad. Sending wishes for a full recovery his way. Remember to take care of yourself too. Eat and rest properly. You won’t be any help if you run yourself into the ground!

[ennuipoet]

Rav:

Sorry about your Dad, I dread the day that shoe drops for me.

The funny thing about our creative passions is we think they will be there for us when we are down, or need a diversion. So we pick up our cameras and head out, and our heads are still in our problems. We wind up frustrated and now have the worry we’ve “lost it” on top of the real problems we went out with. Trust me, I KNOW how it feels. I’ve spent the last year battling those metaphorical demons. The one piece of advice I can give, because I sure can’t help with the big one, is to only shoot when you feel like shooting. Don’t try to make this thing you love distract you from the problems, because it can’t do that. Read a book, watch a movie, play a video game, take a long walk without the camera, (or a long drive since you live in the vehicular world) do anything but try to force the photography to work. You might break it trying to squeeze that square peg in the round hole.

I am still battling work issues, have been for over a year now. I was desperate thinking “Photography will be great! It will fill the gaps” but it only made me hate photography. Once I stopped thinking about it like that, I didn’t hate it anymore.

I don’t know if this helps, but I assure you the passion that makes you a great photog isn’t dead, you haven’t lost the vision, it is only clouded by the big problems. When you feel it, it will be back and most likely better than before.

[ravnostic]

Rav:
The funny thing about our creative passions is we think they will be there for us when we are down, or need a diversion. So we pick up our cameras and head out, and our heads are still in our problems. We wind up frustrated and now have the worry we’ve “lost it” on top of the real problems we went out with. Trust me, I KNOW how it feels. I’ve spent the last year battling those metaphorical demons. The one piece of advice I can give, because I sure can’t help with the big one, is to only shoot when you feel like shooting. Don’t try to make this thing you love distract you from the problems, because it can’t do that. Read a book, watch a movie, play a video game, take a long walk without the camera, (or a long drive since you live in the vehicular world) do anything but try to force the photography to work. You might break it trying to squeeze that square peg in the round hole.
…

I don’t know if this helps, but I assure you the passion that makes you a great photog isn’t dead, you haven’t lost the vision, it is only clouded by the big problems. When you feel it, it will be back and most likely better than before.

ennui; I don’t know how you knew what to say, but you’ve simultaneously made me cry harder than I ever had for three whole days, yet made me feel better about myself than I have in weeks. Thank you. So very much. I’m going to post that quote on it’s own over on G+. I think it should be shared. Hell, I think it should be printed and posted on the fridge of every artist who feels like they’ve lost their mojo.

[ennuipoet]

Glad I could help, I am not a therapist but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express one night 😀

[ravnostic]

It’s ironic that after you posted that I went out last night with a friend to try to get the Perseids (just she and I, she definitely brightened my night), and in the midst of 6-7 hours of conversation (which was all I told her I could hope for), I actually caught a nice one! Also got a nice shot of very-distant lightning that cropped and processed wonderfully; really made me feel better to have a couple nice images. I may even have more, but I got too much going on today to go through them all. In about an hour, Venus will be occulted by the crescent moon, and I’m going to try to catch it.

[CauseISaidSo]

Wishing you a positive outcome for your dad, rav. ennui said pretty much everything else to say in a very poignant and relevant way.

[chupathingie]

^that. I was afraid to even reply to this thread (my dad’s been treated for cancer twice). I’m just wishing I wasn’t 500 miles away, since he won’t tell anyone when he’s got medical issues; he doesn’t want to worry folks. I hope things work out for the best with him (yours and mine both).

[fluffybunny]

I suspect many of us are entering this realm in one way or another. Like Chupa I was kind of hesitant to reply here, especially given the naked honesty and eloquence from ennui. However I know from personal experience that 90% of life is just about showing up so know that you are in my thoughts.

[ravnostic]

thanks for the well-wishes guys; it really does mean a lot. One of the benefits we have at work that I’ve just learned about yesterday is to get 6 sessions of counseling for free. I’m going to take it–I’ve had counseling before and it really did help, and I sure could use some additional guidance right about now.

[clouddancer]

So sorry you’re going through something heart wrenching. If I can be of help, just let me know. I know very well the demons of depression. Sending virtual hugs and healing vibes your way.

[caradoc]

I’ll stand you to a beer sometime soon.

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